“You Don’t Look Autistic”: Why This Compliment is Actually an Insult 🤨
Picture the scene.
You have finally gathered the courage to disclose your diagnosis to someone. You take a deep breath, prepare for the vulnerability, and say: “Actually, I’m Autistic.”
The person looks you up and down, smiles benevolently, and says:
“Oh! Well, you definitely don’t look autistic.”
And then they wait for you to say “Thank you.”
Because in their mind, they just gave you a massive compliment. They just told you that you pass. You successfully tricked them into thinking you were “Normal.” Good job, you!
But for us? That phrase stings. It’s like telling someone, “You don’t look smart,” or “You don’t look kind.” It’s weird, it’s inaccurate, and honestly? We need to retire it.
Here is why “You don’t look autistic” is the backhanded compliment nobody wants.
1. What Does Autism “Look” Like?
Let’s unpack the stereotype. When people say this, what are they picturing?
Usually, they are imagining a very specific (and very outdated) media trope: A non-verbal 5-year-old boy rocking in a corner, or Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man counting toothpicks.
If you are an adult, a woman, have a job, make eye contact (even if you’re faking it), or dress stylishly, you don’t fit the caricature.
But here is the breaking news: Autism is a neurotype, not a fashion statement.
It’s the wiring inside the computer, not the sticker on the laptop case. You cannot see synaptic pruning or dopamine regulation by looking at someone’s face.
Autism looks like… people. It looks like Anthony Hopkins. It looks like Elon Musk. It looks like your accountant, your barista, and yes, it looks like me.
2. It Implies That “Looking Autistic” is Bad
When someone says, “Don’t worry, you don’t look it,” the subtext is: “Phew! You look normal! That was a close call.”
It reinforces the idea that Autism is something negative—something ugly or defective that should be hidden.
By framing “not looking autistic” as a good thing, you are accidentally saying that being autistic is a bad thing. And since that is a fundamental part of who we are, it feels a little less like a compliment and a little more like a slap.
3. You Are Complimenting My Mask (And It’s Heavy)
If I don’t “look” autistic to you, it’s probably because I am working incredibly hard to hide it.
It’s called Masking.
It means I am manually operating my face, forcing eye contact even though it feels uncomfortable, checking my tone of voice, and suppressing the urge to flap my hands.
I am a swan. Above the water, I look calm and graceful. Under the water, my little legs are paddling furiously just to keep from drowning in the social interaction.
When you say, “You don’t look autistic,” you are essentially saying: “You are doing a great job of hiding your true self for my comfort.”
And honestly? I’d rather just be myself.
4. So, What Should You Say Instead?
If someone discloses their diagnosis to you, they aren’t looking for reassurance that they “pass.” They are sharing a piece of their identity.
Try these instead:
- “Oh, thanks for sharing that with me.”
- “I didn’t know that! How does that affect your day-to-day?”
- “Cool. Anyway, are we getting tacos?” (The best response).
The Bottom Line
We need to expand our definition of what neurodivergence looks like. It’s not just one thing. It’s a massive, colorful, chaotic spectrum.
So the next time someone tells you that you don’t “look” the part, just smile and say:
“Funny. You don’t look neurotypical.”
(Then walk away while they try to figure out what that means).
Tired of masking?
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