The Empathy Paradox: Do Autistic People Care?

For decades, psychology textbooks claimed that Autism was defined by a “lack of empathy.”

This idea (popularized by Simon Baron-Cohen in the 80s) painted Autistic people as “mind-blind”—unable to understand or care about the feelings of others.

We now know this is not just simplistic; it is scientifically flawed.

The truth is that Autistic people often care deeply, but the way we connect is different. To understand this, we have to look at the Double Empathy Problem.

1. The Old View: “You Don’t Get Me”

The traditional view was a one-way street:

• Neurotypical people are good at empathy.
• Autistic people are bad at empathy.
• Therefore, the communication breakdown is the Autistic person’s fault.

2. The New Science: The “Double Empathy Problem”

In 2012, Dr. Damian Milton proposed a new theory that changed everything.

He suggested that the problem isn’t a lack of empathy; it is a mismatch of communication styles.

• The Evidence: Studies show that Autistic people communicate perfectly well with other Autistic people. We understand each other’s humor, pauses, and bluntness.
• The Gap: The breakdown only happens when an Autistic person tries to talk to a Neurotypical person.
• The Twist: Crucially, studies show that Neurotypical people struggle to read Autistic emotions just as much as we struggle to read theirs.

It is not that we lack empathy; it is that we are speaking French and you are speaking Spanish. The confusion goes both ways.

3. Action vs. Performance

Neurotypical empathy is often performative and verbal.

• Scenario: A friend is sad.
• NT Response: Soft tone of voice, “I’m so sorry,” gentle hug, sad facial expression.

Autistic empathy is often practical and action-oriented.

• Scenario: A friend is sad.
• Autistic Response: “I have researched the solution to your problem. Here is a plan to fix it.” Or, “Here is a cool rock I found.”

To a Neurotypical person, this looks cold (“Why are you trying to fix it? Just listen!”).

To an Autistic person, this is the highest form of love (“I hate that you are in pain, so I am working hard to remove the pain”).

4. The “Cold” Empathy vs. The “Hot” Empathy

As we touched on before, many Autistic people struggle with Cognitive Empathy (guessing what you are thinking) but excel at Affective Empathy (feeling what you are feeling).

This can lead to a phenomenon called Distress Empathy.

If you are crying, an Autistic person might become so overwhelmed by your sadness that they shut down or have to leave the room.

• What you see: They walked away. They don’t care.
• What happened: They cared so much it short-circuited their nervous system.

Summary

Do Autistic people have empathy? Yes.

But we might not show it by saying “Aww.” We might show it by fixing your computer, sharing our favourite toy, or simply sitting in silence next to you so you aren’t alone.