Text Me or It Didn’t Happen: Why Phone Calls Are My Personal Horror Movie 📱😱
There is a sound that strikes fear into the heart of almost every neurodivergent person I know.
It’s not a siren. It’s not a growling dog.
It is the default iPhone marimba ringtone echoing through a quiet room.
When my phone rings unexpectedly, my body doesn’t register it as “Oh, a friend wants to chat!”
My body registers it as: “EMERGENCY! Someone has died, the IRS is outside, or I am about to be fired from a job I don’t even have. PANIC STATIONS!”
I stare at the screen while it vibrates, watching the name flash, mentally bargaining with the universe for it to go to voicemail.
If you are a “phone person” (neurotypicals, I am looking at you), this sounds insane. You just… pick it up? And say hello? Without 45 minutes of mental preparation? Witchcraft.
Here is why, for many Autistic and ADHD brains, the telephone is an instrument of torture.
1. The Auditory Processing Lag (Wait, What?) 🎧
Many of us deal with Auditory Processing Disorder (APD).
In real life, I use a mix of hearing the sounds you make, reading your lips, and reading your body language to figure out what you said.
On the phone, I lose 70% of that data.
It’s just raw noise coming into my ear canal. By the time my brain decrypts the sounds into words, you are already three sentences ahead.
I spend the whole call saying, “Sorry, can you repeat that?” or just nervously laughing and hoping you didn’t ask a serious question. I need subtitles for real life, and phones don’t have them.
2. The Terror of “Being Put on the Spot” 🎤
Texting is beautiful because it is asynchronous.
You send a message. I read it. I put my phone down. I pace around my kitchen for 10 minutes composing the perfect reply. I delete it. I rewrite it. I add an emoji to ensure the tone is correct. Then I hit send. It is controlled.
A phone call is improv comedy, and I am bad at improv.
You demand an immediate answer. My brain freezes. I lose access to all vocabulary.
Them: “How are you?”
Me (panicked): “Thanks, you too!”
Then I have to think about that interaction for the next six years at 3 AM.
3. The Lack of Tone Indicators 🎭
Without seeing your face, I have no idea if your “Okay” meant:
a) “Sure thing, sounds good!”
or
b) “I despise you and everything you stand for.”
My Autistic brain relies heavily on visual cues to interpret tone. On the phone, I am flying blind, constantly analyzing micro-pauses in your breath to figure out if I’m annoying you. It is exhausting.
The Voicemail Standoff 📼
If I don’t answer, the ordeal isn’t over. Because now… there is a Voicemail.
The little red notification icon stares at me. It mocks me.
Listening to the voicemail is almost worse than the call. What if it’s bad news? I will let that notification sit there for three to five business days until I work up the courage to hit play.
And don’t even get me started on leaving a voicemail. I have to write a script before I call my own dentist.
Embrace the Text Life
If you love me, text me.
Texting respects my time. It respects my processing speed. It allows me to be the witty, thoughtful person I actually am, rather than the sputtering mess I become on the phone.
So, if you call me and I don’t pick up, don’t take it personally. I’m just protecting my peace (and my heart rate). Send a meme instead. I’ll reply to that instantly.
Struggling to set boundaries?
Let your gear do the talking so you don’t have to.
🔴 Wear our Social Battery Pin Badges to signal when you are in “Do Not Disturb” mode.
(It’s like a physical “block caller” button for real life).